Are we ready to talk about it yet - June 2021

Goodness gracious. Hello! how are you?? is everyone enjoying the Euros!? really loving this new series, 'Football' !!!! first ep was insane xxx

Who, me? well I’ve been s w a m p e d recently, honestly, dragging myself out of bed at the crack of dawn to put on an oversized jumper and sunglasses and turning up to set late holding a coffee that the sleeves of the jumper almost cover entirely mumbling ‘omg I’m SO sorry’ really. is. just. my actual wet dream ? I’ve actually been doing a real PAID SHOW where all I have to do is CRY AND EAT CAKE on and off camera and earn 800 quid!!! For once, this really IS glamour!!!

So today is for serenely revelling in the sense of recovery. Both professional and emotional. I’ve just eaten 4 Cheesestrings for breakfast whilst leisurely strewn across a knitted quilt watching 21 jump street. Say whatever the fuck you like to me (obviously don’t I’m VERY sensitive and WILL cry if you raise your voice), apart from that Channing Tatum is a bad actor. I find him a joy to watch. His trying-to-hold-in-laughter face is genuinely the most endearing, lovely thing. Those cheeky cheeky dimples! I suppose I’ll always think of him as the misunderstood thug he played in Step Up which means anything cheeky and adorable he does from here on out will cut me to my core. I actually think he is more watchable than most- NOT because of his gorgeous face and the fact that I’m INCREDIBLY horny today, but really and truly, I think he deserves to star in something big, like, across Cate Blanchett in an oscar-type-film where they silently make lots of eye contact from across the room whilst smoking cigarettes incredibly slowly.

It’s a strange sensation, the calm after the storm, especially when it still isn’t entirely calm. My chest is heavy, but for once, still. Like, the bunker from the asteroid crash is still there, but icing-sugar-snow is lightly falling on top to help cool the cinders. My chest feels like lots and lots of cinders. That are floating up and out of me and leaving me in a semi-morphined state. This pandemic gave me a snippet of what long term loneliness really must feel like, and this is the afterglow of months of making decisions purely to avoid being by myself.

That’s the thing about feeling isolated, you need more than usual. You feel empty of warmth. All of a sudden you have a heart that you want to fill to the brim with love and when you feel like you can’t, instead try to shrink yours to make the few droplets of it you can feel enough to spill over the edges. You walk around feeling as though you’re forcing your heart into peoples’ hands, like you’re tearing the fingers of clenched fists open to make them hold yours and take care of it because all you want is to be thought of. To be honest, It’s a big thought and changes from one sip of tea to the next. Of course, this mug-full of overthinking is made to look ridiculous next to the criminally overly-simplistic message on the china, ‘Moo Moo,’ next to a smiling cow. What a melodramatic fool these simple cows have made me look.

And then, the other affect of the pandemic has been having absolutely no resilience to anything anymore. Yesterday I ABSOLUTELY unacceptably bawled at the ’20 years of Location Location Location’ throwback episode I put on, even though I hate that show and everything Phil and Kirsty do or say???

JUST LOOK AT THESE TERRIFYING CREEPS! They look like the vampire Lord and Lady of a grand manor trying to look as warm as possible posing for a newspaper advert for more staff because they ate them. And they want to sell you a HOUSE!? Look at her eyes!!! I really really hope Monsoon do a ‘Kirstie Allsop Collection’ of flowery summer dresses and market them solely as, ‘dresses for clutching your rich husband’s forearm in when addressing your guests at your summer garden party.’ I'm sure there is a very specific demographic that very much relate.

Of course, all these thoughts about lockdown I know I’m not alone in experiencing. The amount of soul searching we all did (though I don’t know, maybe all some of us did is stare at their distorted face in a teaspoon all day and then go and have an hour-long wank and go to sleep -which, also, WERK) is an opportunity to be cherished. Honestly, the amount of people I know that came out at the end of the long lockdown is hilarious. Oh little queers thank you for existing x especially you Emma Corin (Diana in The Crown), thank you for gracing us with your 90s boy-bob and box cut jackets. We’re all incredibly wet 4 u.

Eeek, this one was long! I dunno. I suppose I wanted to put it all into words. The two years of hell might serve us in the long run! Unless of course you’re damaged forever, in which case, here’s a monkey with big juicy succulent poutin lips!

Because I have no other advice. What a plastic surgery queeeeen!! if the breakdown lasts, could be you in a few years!!!! something to look forward to x